no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
