Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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