I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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