He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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