you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
