In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
