every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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