I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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