on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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