I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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