i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
