I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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