where am i from again
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
