everyone is single if you try hard enough
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
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