mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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