I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
