eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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