I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
