you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
