I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
