While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
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When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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