I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
