Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
