I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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