Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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