she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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