I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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