You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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