Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
