We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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