I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
