We named our party play list daddy issues
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
