The maid of honor just puked.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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