Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
