I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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