She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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