I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
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