plz talk dirty to me
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
