This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
