ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
