dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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