my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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