you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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