it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
