You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
