You just made me feel so damn special
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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