I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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