Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
