I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
