You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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