I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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