i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
