My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
