1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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